Holding Yourself Back

This is the proper weekend of the course, my calves feel as if they are on fire and my back is solid. Yesterday’s workshop really took it’s toll on, me not only physically but mentally. An ETA graduate called Andrew came in for the 3 hour workshop and the first thing he did was get changed in front of all of us which was surprising to say the least. What followed was three hours of intense games, running and breaking down each person’s monologue through getting them to shout angrily until they felt something. The feeling of being pushed like in the room was hard to manage at first, being so exposed in a group of 20 was daunting.

There were moments I thought about just stopping, where I had reached a limit I couldn’t pass, but when I stopped thinking about stopping, it didn’t become a problem. Andrew made a comment to me saying ‘You really continued even though you showed signs of pain, but right at the end you should of held your ground, you quit.’ If he said that out of the studio my anxious mind would not be able to handle that, but there I just nodded my head, He was right, I tried really hard but in the end I did give in. And there is nothing wrong with that. Quitting or failing does not mean you have given up, it means you’re human. It only means giving up if you don’t stand up again and try.

That workshop made me determined, it changed my thinking of failure and testing the limits. I was physically broken at the end, but ready again for another one. My anxiety always made me afraid of failing, already that fear is being contested. One thing that won’t change is having some quality me time and my lean towards the more macabre. Already my room is becoming decorated in some excellent pound land Halloween stock, now this room is starting to feel like home. I still await my tree tapestry (real student feels) but if anyone would like to donate some old hippie tapestries, my wall is still very bare.

As I write to you, the close sounds of heavy bass play echo from my flat (creative lighting students and their tech) . Tonight may be a good one.

Stay hydrated ya’ll,

Gabby

“Once you enter into the performance state you can push your body to do things you absolutely could never normally do.”  – Marina Abramović

Enlight151[1297].JPGHaven’t named this skull yet, what should be the name? Also wish I could use real candles in this room 😦

Author:

My name is Gabby McLean and I am currently studying European Theatre Arts at the Rose Bruford School of Performance. Throughout my life I have struggled with anxiety and depression which is something many of us actors have, but in making this blog I want to entertain and serve to people regardless of your mental illness you can follow your dreams. I have also recently been diagnosed with High functioning autism which I have to get used to.

4 thoughts on “Holding Yourself Back

  1. Oh darling, yet another very honest blog but, you know what, despite the challenges, you DIDNT give up. Ones mindset will naturally change as one learns new experiences. Very proud of you❤️.

    How about calling your skull SKULLY! That’s Pascal’s nick name since a baby. Of course you don’t have to!🙊.

    Well, no doubt you will have lots to do this weekend but you know what they say, work hard, play hard😘. Have a super weekend. Pascal is ok but missing you of course. His guitar playing is improving, and I have to say, I do enjoy hearing him strumming away😁. He’s a good boy and out of my three children, he’s the most consistent and honest with his conversations. He’s a real darling and keeps me relatively sane’ish.

    The winter is creeping up on us now, so the bones are feeling it. Will have to meditate a little more as it helps me through the depressing thoughts of winter and the dark, cold nights that come with it.

    Well darling, enjoy your Sunday. Thinking of you and missing your beautifulness which you exude. Big hug and lots of love from this end ❤️❤️❤️xxx Sent from my iPad

    >

    Liked by 1 person

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