Finding Myself Again

Posted on by gabbymclean

Hope you’ve all had a good day! So far my illness seems to be fading and I’ve just been doing some work before I’m a Celebrity starts (it keeps me distracted okay). I’ve had a lot of reflection time this week because of my hours which I haven’t had much before, mainly concerning my autism diagnosis.

In all honesty it is still very overwhelming that other people literally think and act differently to me, that people don’t have to overthink interactions as much. I imagine the amount of time I could save if I was neurotypical, then the ‘what ifs’ come in. What if I was ‘normal’? Would I have been bullied and made fun of as much? Would I have hated school as much as I did? I can’t help it. It’s like rediscovering a part of me that has always been visible.

One thing that autism makes me is extremely determined and headstrong to the point of extreme competition. This is something that I don’t think can ever really be helped which is a hard concept. If I love something and have someone better than me then I’m automatically pathetic, which is usually the case in drama. Perhaps maybe you yourself can relate or someone you know is like me.

I guess this blog is not only trying to show how you can go through with what you love with anxiety, but also autism awareness and me recording my findings on myself again. It’s all very confusing, but hopefully will clear up soon.

Go pet a dog today,

Gabby

Here is my dog Charlie. One thing people on the spectrum can usually relate to is a love and understanding of dogs. I’m so glad to have this mutt.

Working through withdrawal

Posted on by gabbymclean

Hello again, is it me the very sickly coughing student. I’ve had a bad throat the last few weeks which has made me pretty lethargic and is annoying everyone. I call it ‘Freshers Flue Part 2: Electric Boogaloo’. On top of that I’ve had the anxiety of running out medication which I have to blame myself for.

At the moment I’m on 20mg of fluoxetine which helps my serotonin levels. One major problem with this medication is the withdrawal. The withdrawal is the worst, and can involve depressive episodes, panic attacks, shaking etc. Last night I ran out of them and my mind feels like sludge. I’m not ashamed on being on medication because it helps me, if it were not for the medication I would be a mess most of the time and become reclusive.

Whilst the withdrawal makes me feel bad I just treated myself to a nap today and have been taking things slow. Why work on a tired worked up mind when you can take a break and work later? It’s been a slow day sure, but we’re allowed to slow down when we need and take a breath. You can’t win a marathon if all you do is sprint.

Luckily today I have my medication back, so this little slip up can be resolved and tomorrow I will feel better. Thank you medicinal science!

Drink some tea,

Gabby

This is the book I have been doodling in, I would recommend it to get your thoughts down somewhere and I may write a post about it. Also I said I would write this: Esther is sexy.

Taking Criticism

Posted on by gabbymclean

The second term has started here at Rose and everything is back to normal. Seems like forever since I saw my group but that may be because we see each other every day. In all honesty I missed them and it’s good to see them.

Coming back also meant receiving feedback on our presentations, something I had been dreading. Nothing gets me more nervous that someone telling me I was ‘bad’ at something or how I’m not that good. The reality is is that it wasn’t all bad, but it is me who takes the criticism and blows it up. I can take a negative comment and take it into my soul, but a hundred positive ones I would ignore.

When your self esteem is low you take anything that backs up that bad image of yourself and reinforce it. But if I’m going to survive the next three years the positive comments will also have to be accepted. There’s nothing wrong in letting yourself be complimented, treat yourself to making you feel good as much as you may downplay yourself.

From an unwell student,

Gabby

Here’s a picture of a pub dog that I met, he made me very happy so I wanted to share him with you.

Back Stabs and Forgiveness in the Industry

Posted on by gabbymclean

Doing acting as a fun hobby since age 8 has given me so much happiness and many friends along the way. If it wasn’t for acting I would not have any friends at my old school and I probably would not have met my boyfriend. It is also the only hobby I can do and feel okay with myself in.

However this week has been one of reflection on that since I have completed my first term of drama school. I have also lost a number of friends because of my hobby. One in particular comes to mind. Her and I were very good friends for 4-5 years doing almost everything together, but after joining the drama club she was in without telling her she vowed to never speak to me again. This hurts me still to this day.

Many feelings are invoked when I think back: anger, betrayal, sadness but also regret. Something that brought us so close together broke us apart. I see now that she has done very well for herself, but my first feeling is one of jealousy that I feel guilt for. Someone who hurt me has done well, even a lot better than I have. How does one cope with that?

My honest answer is is that I have no answer. Well not really anyway. My mind has been so concentrated on her that it’s stopping me from succeeding. Why should I care how she lives? I’ve done well myself, I should be happy for me. But of course that is never enough. The fault isn’t hers but mine in that I can never be happy in myself, so maybe that’s my new goal to set, become happy in me not for other people, just me.

Whilst I may never be able to forgive her for her words, I do wish her all the best in the industry as she has worked hard to be where she is. In the meantime I’m going to concentrate on getting myself together this reading week and catch up on all the people I missed.

Treat yourself this week,

Gabby

Here is where I’ve been staying these past few days, it’s so nice to be away from all the stress and sounds of London.

Revelations

Posted on by gabbymclean

This week was definitely an interesting one. Beginning with having a cough from all the standing in the cold was not wanted, but for the experience made it worth it. Additionally I decided to move out of my old flat and move downstairs to another room. This was big for me as I had just begun to feel settled in my room, but I could not live there anymore.

After the 5th day if constant parties, loud music, drinking and strangers I had had enough. The amount of panic attacks I was having was excessive, so I decided on the day to move, pack up my stuff and get out. It feels good to be somewhere else, more calming, and I’m proud of myself for getting out. When you see your environment becoming toxic for you, make a change and or get out as fast as you can. It’s better in the long run.

Today I also found out my diagnosis, and I have been formally diagnosed with High functioning Autism (Aspergers). It was kind of hard hitting, but also a relief. The intense feelings in my flat and all the noise were now justified in my mind, so many instances finally made sense. It’s a shame it took this long to recognise but I’m glad I did. A weight has been lifted and I finally know why I act so differently.

Living with this makes not much change however. I am still me, the same person but now with a diagnostic label. This means I can also make this blog about being anxious as an actor, but also how to act when you have autism and how it can’t stop you from achieving your goals.

Thank you for reading, will be back.

Gabby

Comic Con, Confidence and Catching Up

Posted on by gabbymclean

It seems I have died to the Internet for a while and there is a reason. This past week I have been organising myself for my first comic con in almost two years and to see a friend I haven’t seen in months. Comic con has this strange effect on me where I legitimately do not care what others think of me. Yesterday I got the train with white hair and buck teeth, today with long blonde hair and elf ears.

Usually you wouldn’t catch me dead cosplaying casually, yet comic con gives me an excuse to be inexcusably myself even though I’m dressed as someone else. Confidence is the main reason I go to comic con, and having so many people take photos of me in costume with my friend Toby was just incredible. Take that anxiety!

Sitting in a pub of characters such as Peter Pan, a sexy nun and Naruto really reminds me how bloody weird I am, and I love that. Again I don’t have much to say as my exhaustion is overwhelming, but until next time, good evening all.

Bless yas,

Gabby

How To Survive School When You Have Anxiety

Posted on by gabbymclean

When you ask most older adults on how they remember their school years, many will respond how they were the ‘best years of their lives’ or how they’re still friends with their school friends. If you ask me, all I will do is give you a cold stare and ignore the question and hope you don’t insist on an answer.

On thing that people never tell you is that it is okay to hate school, it’s natural. As a teenager getting up early to follow a boring timeline wearing (in my case, brown) uniform isn’t what I’d deem ‘fun’. As I got older I only became more aware of the outright ignorant rules and games teachers used to enforce. My first Grammar school had teachers play a game where they would see how many uniform slips they could give out in a day, however if you got 3 uniform slips as a student, that would mean an after school detention. That’s some weird teacher sadism if I have anything to say about it.

When you’re under scrutiny for you looks, grades and behaviour, it’s all too natural to develop anxiety. Thanks to the aforementioned school, my anxiety was increased tenfold to the point I would fake illness to not go in. Yet I made it. If it were not for the friends I made in that school I wouldn’t have mentally survived the years. Friends who understand the struggle will keep you going. They won’t say stuff like ‘It’s not that bad’ or ‘Everyone is in the same boat’. No. In my opinion it should be ‘Everyone is on the same water, but not everyone’s boats are stable.’

When you’re forced into an environment you despise it is easy to think about giving up, but know you are stronger than the crappy system and the annoying teachers. My main thought has always been ‘I’m going to prove you wrong.’ And I did. If this anxious depressive mess can survive, then anyone can. Get all the support you can and stand up for what you think is right. You can do it tiger.

Best wishes,

Gabby

P.S considering starting a YouTube channel that will be different to this. My main idea is just to try doing random things I love so I can enjoy the videos too. Idk still in progress

Also I am naming my plants, I only have to name one more and that’s the aloe vera plant. Here is the squad.