Hello again people who somehow still read this blog regardless of the amount of activity, you guys are the best. As always being a student at drama school, there is a lot going on and a lot of projects on the way to worry about, to which I’ve started planning my own project.
Upon reflection at my time so far in first year, I have definitely made progress in my performing but there is also a part of me that is disappointed. It feels to me as I have successfully established myself as the joke of the year, the one that is there to make you laugh and be laughed at. I usually would enjoy this role, but trying to perform a serious role can be pretty frustrating when all you hear is laughter because ‘the funny one is being serious how stupid’. And me, relying on others for performance validation, goes into a state of depression after every performance.
With this in mind, it led me to wanting to organise my own performance external to the curriculum. If the first year hasn’t given me a script to really bond to, then I’ll just do it myself. Whilst I know this will be stressful to organise, all I want is to be proud of myself working in a group and entertain. It’s a lot of work yes, but that’s what theatre is. I don’t just want to settle for how I am seen, I don’t want to just be the butt of a joke, I want to be proud of my work and I want to share that with the group.
I’ll update perhaps on how the show is coming along.
All the Best
Also I took myself out to a garden and saw the most amazing birds. Here is a wild parakeet native to Bexley just chilling out. The day out was needed.
Today I’m writing on this blog all the way in Sainte-Maxime in the south of France. Term finished on Friday and the Saturday morning me and a group of friends were on the way to the airport for our strange adventure. Only a flight, tram, train and bus to where we need to go!
The last few days of a term are always the hardest for me. My self esteem takes a hit and I worry what the next term will bring. For now I’m trying to just get as much sun as I can and spend time with the people who make me happy and a couple of bottles of wine.
It has been hard recently what with going through a break up too, so I’m trying to find who I am without him at Uni. It’s strange, but my friends have been so good to me recently, which is what I love about my course. It’s not about the individual being strong alone, it’s the ensemble that stick together that make a piece work. I’ve found my insane ensemble who care about me the way I am, not in how I can be better. I am a decent person who just wants people to laugh and feel better, it’s just remembering that which is the hardest part.
Call a friend, you might need it,
Short post for now until I get back on track with my break away from uni. I’ve been so disoriented:’)
Today marks the official first day of European Theatre Arts Training and boy was it a long one. 9:30 start where Thomas (one of our instructors) spent 30 minutes directing us in silence using only mime. This was then followed by a sequence of games and activities involved in showing us how to use the space, such as pushing and pulling eachother, walking in poses, filling spaces etc. For 3 hours. This was then followed by a 2 hour voice session mainly concerning relaxing and speaking about our main concerns in our voices. Admitting to my insecurities was quite liberating as I was definitely not alone, so many people felt uncomfortable with their voice and yet we all supported eachother in proper ETA fashion.
I feel so comfortable with the group I’m in, it’s almost unreal. Before sessions my body tenses in anticipation about ‘what if I fail?’ Or ‘what if I look stupid in front of everyone?’ Yet that all melts away. In the rehearsal room I don’t think during activities, I concentrate on my body purely. I never thought that would be possible when most of the time I’m concerned about everything, like how I am in social situations, how people perceive me etc etc. This year is for my failure and learning because how can you learn if you don’t mess up? Already my grammar school mind is changing and adapting and I love it.
Only a week on and I feel like a different person, someone who can do a full course and live independently. Only 4 years ago all I thought about was my life ending, of hopelessness and no future. Now I feel the present and love the moment, I have a long way to go and a lot of demons to piss on but I also have time. Luckily this course also offers a lot of reflective thinking which I think is key for me. Learning isn’t taking notes and listening, it’s feeling and observing, it’s taking action. I might not be ready to let go of my medication yet (or handle the withdrawal) but I am starting to feel a sense of belonging here, no matter what mental disorder I have. And that’s beautiful.
Have a good day all,