Today I’m writing on this blog all the way in Sainte-Maxime in the south of France. Term finished on Friday and the Saturday morning me and a group of friends were on the way to the airport for our strange adventure. Only a flight, tram, train and bus to where we need to go!
The last few days of a term are always the hardest for me. My self esteem takes a hit and I worry what the next term will bring. For now I’m trying to just get as much sun as I can and spend time with the people who make me happy and a couple of bottles of wine.
It has been hard recently what with going through a break up too, so I’m trying to find who I am without him at Uni. It’s strange, but my friends have been so good to me recently, which is what I love about my course. It’s not about the individual being strong alone, it’s the ensemble that stick together that make a piece work. I’ve found my insane ensemble who care about me the way I am, not in how I can be better. I am a decent person who just wants people to laugh and feel better, it’s just remembering that which is the hardest part.
Call a friend, you might need it,
Short post for now until I get back on track with my break away from uni. I’ve been so disoriented:’)
You know they say ‘fake it till you make it?’, well I’m hoping this philosophy may work on me one day. This has been the focus of my mind recently and one I have been discussing with a few of my friends.
Because what is ‘enough’? Enough for what? A pint of milk? (I am hilarious). I always thought my idea of not enough was a recent one, sadly I was wrong. Have you ever seen those ‘a post from x years ago’ and then you see the post and cringe badly? I had that the other day in a post from when I was 12.
Whilst still cringey in nature (and I obviously didn’t know how to capitalise letters) I’ve had this feeling of not being good enough for YEARS. This toxic mindset has been following me even before my edgy teenage years to almost adulthood. Why did I let this happen!? I’ve let it ruin relationships with people because all I want is validation for my ‘not enough’ complex. It’s got to stop.
My first step was accepting I need medication again and telling myself ‘It’s not because I’m not good enough, it’s for my health’. Also I’ve been looking more positively at the progress I’ve made a drama school, convincing myself I belong and spending more time with people. There are still some problems I need to address in me, some that will take more time but right now I need time for myself, to not hear from the things that bring me down. I am enough to live, I am enough for my course, I am enough to love and I am enough to prove I’m enough.
As Kesha sang: Don’t let the bastards bring you down.
Photo from my parents who are away on holiday living it up, you go guys.
Hello people who still read this blog, I’m still shocked to hear that people do. I hope your winters have been okay and the dark evenings haven’t been too much. I’m still at drama school doing my module on the Maids and next week will finish for reading week. Sadly it’s not much time off for such a massive amount of time in class but I’ll have to make it work. I’m going to say for this that there is a Trigger Warning for this post so please don’t continue if talking about suicide upsets you.
I’ll be honest, my mental health has been on a pretty level low as of late. Whilst cutting down on beer instead I have been eating more and exercising less which has been a real downplay on my self esteem. Again with the winter months my desire to be lazy has been pretty strong, along with this the return of my suicidal thoughts has been a downer on everything. At age 13 I began to have these thoughts and didn’t realise that suicidal thoughts and obsessions weren’t ‘normal’ years later. Everyday I see posts about teens who have committed suicide and comments from teens saying they are going to commit suicide. In one day suicide of teens was mentioned five times just from Facebook which is concerning.
Living with suicidal thoughts in the back of my mind isn’t easy, and yet here I am. For me the breaking down of the irrational thoughts has kept me alive and the genuine consequences of that action to the point of tears. Here is a general list of things I remember to help me through, whilst they may seem dark they may help save a life:
1: Thinking of my parents having to plan my funeral, never getting to see me graduate or fulfil my dreams
2: My friends having to attend that funeral and look back on the times we had, knowing there will never be anymore
3: My boyfriend and how much it would hurt him
4: My dog never understanding why I never came home
5: Never getting to see my younger family members grow up
6: Leaving behind the things I wanted to do with my life
Thinking of this stuff brings me to tears, and makes me realise how much I have to live for, because there always is. If you are feeling suicidal please remember you are loved and reach out to someone or call 116 123 for the Samaritans who run 24 hours a day. Suicide is an epidemic for young people, but we can do this.
You are loved,
It’s photos like this that make me smile with so many memories ❤️
Hello again, I’ve had a bit of a longer break as I have just finished my Devising module which was 12 hour days Monday to Friday (am still exhausted!). Today we were supposed to start our new module but unfortunately a lot of our tutors are unwell so hopefully we start tomorrow.
Whilst the 12 hour process was exhausting, it was also very fun! I really loved my group and our dynamic and was really proud of our devised piece. Whilst there were some lows, they mainly erupted last weekend. I’m always one to turn something good into something bad, the happiness I retain is quickly overtaken by ‘Your happiness is not worth what you have done, you should be disappointed.’ I am a perfectionist in a perfection less job and it’s exhausting.
During Devising I was so distracted I didn’t realise how deluded I was becoming. My bad thoughts had slowly taken over to the point I 100% believed I was worthless and a waste of space, so much that I wasn’t even sad about it, it was just ‘true’. That’s a dangerous place to be. The thing that saved me was reaching out and not letting it continue. An outside perspective can help rationalise those thoughts and get you back to reality (as said by Eminem).
Whilst it seems my whole time here has been filled with rises and pitfalls, I have no intention on giving in. My mind may never be ‘healed’ but I will never let it stop me from doing what I love.
Picture of how we decorated the stage, hundreds of bags not including our plastic bag hand puppets.
Hello, I’m an actor who is afraid of emotional vulnerability and I’m here to audition for your traumatising play! This is not an ideal way to start an audition, especially when their first question was ‘How are you?’.
As humans (particularly British ones) a stiff upper lip is sought so people don’t feel ‘awkward’. Emotion is so human, yet so unwanted. And yet yesterday I looked someone in the eyes so long that I cried. Holding eye contact for so long with a person I barely knew just opened something in me, like she could see into my being (even know I knew full well she couldn’t).
Part of me wanted to close off and shut my eyes, but Jesus it was intense. We are afraid to be open because people can hurt us, but if we let go of that we can find things about ourselves that we hid. I finally opened up and it felt good in all honesty. Stop closing yourself and your emotions overflow, like a release almost, as if whatever held me down let me go. So come at me emotions, I’m ready.
Really just an anecdote today, but hope it can assist somehow.
All my best,
Today I’m going to be talking about something a little bit different. Something that really needs to be talked about more, and that’s coming to terms with death. I’m full of laughs sometimes but this is more serious.
The thought came to me as I was laying on the floor in movement class in an almost meditative state. As we moved across the space, my mind began to feel more and more preoccupied. I began to think of all the changes that would happen whilst at drama school and the people back home. Then I thought of my aunt.
You see, my aunt was diagnosed last year with a malignant brain tumour. Hearing that news was truly breaking, the thought of losing someone so amazing so young was incomprehensible. I remember sitting in the car basically feeling nothing and later crying it out alone.
Coming to terms with it has not been easy, but when given a time of a year and a half you don’t have time to mourn. That comes after. Death is scary, it used to keep me up at night with anxiety and the fear of the unknown, but death’s certain. We fear the loss and the after, and forget the now. My aunt is still alive and beautiful, exploring the world and living life, and after she is gone her daughters will have so much to remember her by.
You have every right to be distraught over the loss of a loved one, but know you aren’t alone and that they’ll always be alive in your memory.
Take care everyone,
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one. – Khalil Gibran